June 10, 2014

Rest in Me.

Pray continually. –1 Thessalonians 5:17

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. –Psalm 62:5

Eric is in the ER getting his chest x-rayed. He called because he must have gone to work and couldn’t tolerate the pain. He has an extremely high pain tolerance so I am worried. I wish he would have gone last night but anticipating staying out of trouble is a maturity level he is currently striving for. I struggle with that one myself. He will probably call when I get in the shower, lol.

Jack is on my mind too. It’s like entering a black hole being with him. He is so completely self-centered that it’s beyond his comprehension anything that others are experiencing as a result of his lifestyle. Those who surround him and care about him. Those he has ostracized with his actions and words. He wants everyone else to give 150% while he absorbs and questions why they are there – leave me alone. And still I can see that there is a man in there who wants to be among friends and family. He doesn’t understand how to cross the chasm – or why he should.  What he doesn’t get is all I have ever longed for was a father.  To watch over me, keep me safe, love me, provide for me.  I’ve done all that for myself and look in awe at the awesome fathers I see in church and in life, loveing their daughters – there precious and beautiful children in a way I only briefly knew as a young child.

He is capable of being that father but he’s drowning in the regrets and anger against everyone who prevented him from being in our lives.  His view is that we have missed a lot of opportunities if we had just come around.  He cannot fathom that it is HE who missed being a part of our lives.  I told him on Thursday that as a parent I would move heaven and hell to be there for my child and see that he got what he needed.  His response was “no one would let me”.  While I understand the sentiment I found it impossible to comprehend.  He could have provided via a third party, he could have provided via an anonymous person.  He chose not to.  He is still choosing not to.  He has 3 daughers and a granddaughter and grandson who he could be blessing with his presence and his surplus.  Instead he sits in his chair and drinks depressed because no one is there for him.

We are all standing right outside his door – all he has to do is open it.  He also has to change and that may be the scariest thing for him.

Again.  I don’t give a rip about his “stuff”, about any “stuff”.  Stuff is not where my values lie – is it fun to have stuff?  Of course, it is.  But at what cost?  At this point all that he has accumulated is currently on course for the landfill.  Thousand and thousands, if not millions of dollars in things piled up around him.  Money that could have blessed his grandchildren with a college education, a car for their 20th birthdays, given his daughters a better home to raise them in showed them the love he didn’t know from his own father.  Therin lies the issue – one cannot give what he does not possess.  He doesn’t know how to love without bounds, how to give in joy – because in the giving you are so fully blessed.  How can I help him to understand?

I still have a headache from last week.

The message from Jesus Calling today is My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen.    (Yes, Father)



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