What about my 50’s?

I can’t sleep. Well, I was sleeping, nature called and now I’m laying here with my brain who clearly thinks we’ve rested enough for one night. The body disagrees and would desperately like to be relieved of its consciousness for a few more hours. Many thoughts. Eric’s birthday gift that I need to pick up today, discipline for my budget, what a great horse Pete is (he packed my stuff up the hill Friday night for me), training Autumn, how much better I sleep without a feline colony on the bed. My roommate, current events (yawn) and on and on ad finitum.

I am planning a trip for February and although I am excited about it I’ve realized that I havn’t committed to it yet. I wonder why. Finances are a big concern. I hesitate to travel when I should be spending money at home and it will be the middle of winter when the hippos will need more food. Ugh. When I took time off in August this year it was on the assumption that I was going to California and then I ended up moving and was grateful I had scheduled the time off. I have the first two weeks of February and time in March and May scheduled off but no solid plans. I know Florida is a definite on the itinerary and the Carolinas, Alabama and I would love to swing over to Texas to meet a friend but that might be a stretch for this trip. I am planning on Couch Surfing locations and I’m apprehensive about it because the last time I ventured out to do that we ended up in hotels and had to spend more money than anticipated.

Side note: I have a humidifier in my room and the sound is very soothing like white noise. It just kicked on.

So traveling is about the adventure which I’ve always loved while I was on it. I’m uneasy about where I’m going to be laying my head.

…and with that my brain seems to finally feel relieved enough to let things rest.

What about my 50’s? I knew in my 20’s that my fiancé Tom would be the man I would appreciate in my 40’s. He’s not here anymore and I missed that opportunity. Right now I’m putting it out there on the dating circuit in faith. I’ve considered recently maybe I’m just one of those who will never know a deep and committed relationship. The last few men who I have dated and who I thought were in a healthy place and who I was beginning to really like and think there might be a future left. My favorite response was “I was really starting to like you so I can to get away”. My response to that now is two fold. 1. There is nothing wrong in being honest and remaining friends “I really like you but you threaten my independence. I don’t want to make a commitment – to you” and 2. Is too intimate to share in a public forum.

All My Love


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