“God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the
courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that it’s me.”
Take the pledge!  DoSomething.org,

Save America's Wild Horses

All photos posted to this blog are copyright protected and owned by the blogger.  Photo Secrets

Overwhelmed

This is the first song on my Pandora playlist this morning. By Big Daddy Weave.

I’m feeling the other overwhelmed.

Yesterday was a day.

Eric brought Lola out to visit.  I haven’t seen her for 3 weeks since they got their place together and I’ve been missing him a lot.

I was talking to our landlord about buying some hay that had just come in and asked Eric to help for me since I still shouldn’t be lifting much; I havn’t been released yet.

He jumped right in and was up on the hay wagon sorting and throwing down bales to Tim.  They were about 1/2 done when Eric’s foot slipped between 2 bales, he lost his balance and fell over with his leg still caught between bales.  He jacked his leg out just before falling over the edge of the hay wagon to the ground.  He has a very high pain tolerance – and he was in pain.   Begging and crying about the pain.  We walked him half way to the house then Tim picked him up and carried him the rest of the way in.

He went to a hospital to be treated.  They were rude and judgemental, completed x-rays stated he should probably have an MRI and then released him without medication and without a wrap on the knee.

He came back here and by now the knee is swollen and hard.  We went to the other hospital around 12:30 who treated him, wrapped the leg, gave him a script and instructions about care and sent us back home.

Prior to him coming out he had moved out of the rooms he had been renting due to the renter hitting Lola and being abusive to his significant other and to Eric.

He has been excelling at his job as a landscaper and was one week short of being offered a permanent position, raise and promotion.  Now his knee is jacked up and he may not be able to do that job because he was being a good son and helping me, cheerfully.  He said “we move wheelbarrows of rock up and down hills all day, I can’t do that without my knees”.

I say ENOUGH, Lord.  He has come full circle and is growing in maturity. He’s walked away from influences that used to rule his life and time.  He’s stepping out in faith – we had a long, long talk about spiritual warfare last night.

Father, it’s time to bless this young man with abundance.

He needs a home, with his dog.

He is deserving of being able to meet all of his expenses.

Amazing Grace – this song just came on:  Your love never fails, and never gives up and never runs out on me.  by Passion

Be well, my friends.  I know God’s got this.  Waiting on Him is the hardest part of living.

EO and Brain Injury

This one has a personal meaning to me as I recently had 2 strokes and for a long time now have been compassionate to anyone suffering from TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).

Essential Oils and Brain Injuries . What You Are Not Being Told

EO and Cancer

I would love to just copy and paste this entire article, but that would violate copyright law. So here is a link instead.

Essential Oils Stop Cancer In It’s Tracks

On Hold

I have been logging into my work computer to check emails and make a change to my next paycheck and can’t get in. Yet, tech says everything seems to be working correctly. Hmmm I wasn’t planning on spending my morning with tech support but at least we can tackle this before I’m trying to log on for work again in a couple of weeks.

I checked here to make sure my web access is working and it is. At least I can do something while listening to hold music.

After resetting my password twice and escalating to another support person it was found that my own NEW manager after 2 months of having access to our email system while I was on leave requested that my access be disabled on July 1 following an email sent to him mid June and no communication to me that there were changes.  He sent me an email response to my work account though…humans!  Think Pooh.  If you just requested my access be disabled, how will I see that message?

The kicker though is I sent the message to his attention in the first place – he had not responded to it proactively.  I hate training new managers.

Very frustrating and has now created additional logging issues for me when I go back to work.  That will probably take 1-2 hours to straighten out before I will be able to be productive.  sigh

This is not my home

I’ll preface that with the Christian response “of course, not this is a stop to wait to go home”.  I’m not looking to rush going to that home either, though if I am called the only regrets I would have are leaving my son and a few close and many not so close friends.  That’s not the topic of this post.

This is not my home.  It has become the building where I sleep and keep my stuff.  Everything that made it my home has been slowly and methodically stripped away from me, while I’ve been told shut up and stop causing trouble.

  • I stopped hosting travelers 9 months ago in deference to my roommates discomfort with strangers in “her” home. That was a small price to pay to keep the peace and I had been hosting for the 2 years since we moved in with her being tolerant.  After Eric and Lily came back and stayed I felt that to respect her space I would restrict this activity for a while to give her a break.  i will wait before I host again.  It brings me a lot of joy to share with strangers but it’s not worth the sour looks.
  • My son is met with hostility if he happens to come by when my roommate is home so he stays away for the most part.  This was gut wrenching for me between December and April when he was living in his car during the Iowa winters.  He is in large part responsible for the conflict and there is a 3rd party who had a devastating effect on the relationship but doesn’t have to suffer any of the consequences.  He has addressed the issues but that has barely only tempered the hostility.  When all this came down not one of them considered how it would affect me or managed to address the issue. in a positive light.  We are all flawed human.  Although it’s been devastating for me it has resulted in positive changes for him.  We are also rebuilding the relationship damaged by the conflict – there is plenty of blame for everyone.
  • My gardening has been delayed or destroyed. I have no plants that are safe in what we call our yard.  The posts for the wind chimes are at odd angles from being pushed by livestock and they have eaten my remaining flowers (Hosta and Succulents) in their prime this year.  The Hosta will grow back just in time for winter to begin but I’m not sure the succulents will ever recover.  I am in no position to run a backhoe or a lawn mower to modify that, so I look at them every day going in and out of the house, while trying to remain positive.
  • I have been using furniture that doesn’t belong to me while my Camelback couch is packed under many other items and surely has been infested with mice over the past 4 years. It needed to be upholstered when we moved in here which is one reason it’s not in use now.  There was too much furniture so I volunteered to keep mine in the basement, a decision I now regret.  It will take at least an hour to excavate it, then it will need to be stripped to the frame and rebuilt.  If it weren’t a really comfortable and fairly rare piece I wouldn’t bother.

The house pets who light up my life are seeking to break into my melancholy.  My little orange dog and the little black dog (my cats) are my constant companions, velcrod to my presence day and night.  Usually when I wake from a nap on the couch the Siamese has inserted himself in my lap and looks at me with striking blue eyes, purring and nestling in closer.

  • The horses continue to be exposed to whatever anyone else elects to bring to the property on the authority of the land owner and I’m repeatedly told “it’s not your decision, you don’t own the property” when I express my anxiety and request that proper precautions be taken. This is escalating in hostility with each new addition.  This time I was told that I am the harassing party – despite the fact the accuser is the one potentially exposing my animals to disease by walking this horse all over and allowing him to eat where my animals graze.  Right now he is out in the middle of our horses normal area and was paraded past them close enough for any air borne viruses to travel.  Absolutely no respect shown.
  • My granddog, Lola, has finally gone to live with her human, my son. I am happy that he found a place where they can be together again and really enjoyed her while she was here  She did take away from the time I spent with my big dogs (horses) but she left a ginormous gap in my day.  I have discovered that even though I love cats, I am a dog person.  It’s not the right time to invite one to my life right now but I have considered it.  Having a dog around was very calming for me while she was here.  Now I have to face head on what I’ve been avoiding.

I was lying in bed this morning and realized I really have no motivation to get up.

  • I cry too easily.
  • I am finding myself withdrawing more and more, especially when getting verbally pounced on. I understand Sheryl better now.  Frankie is the highlight of most days and I am so thankful that she’s been there. I’m crying now.  I was told that the likelihood of depression is increased after stroke.
  • I haven’t been to church in almost 2 months, it’s difficult without a car, I haven’t felt confident enough to get behind a wheel yet and it’s too much hassle to ask Eric to drive me as he will either “forget, be late or come and be grouchy the whole drive”. I also don’t’ like riding with him he hasn’t learned yet to drive with the least risk.  He tailgates and alternates between brakes and gas while traveling behind other vehicles.  I often just close my eyes as we’ve already bumped heads about criticizing his driving.  It’s his tickets and his license.
  • My “garden” sits in a pile in the horse paddock near a pile of fencing that I am not strong enough to complete. I really don’t need to be on a bobcat or mower with a brain injury – I am astounded that yesterday the land owner lashed out at me that the mowing isn’t done.  Everything changed for me on April 30, I am literally not the person I was before that date.  I am weaker, more vulnerable.  I am not physically able to do what I could before.  My strength is increasing but it’s going to take time.  People see me out and about and assume that I’m fully recovered.  They have no basis of understanding.

That leaves me here in an ever narrowing world.  I am scheduled to go back to work August 1 and I have mixed feelings about it.  I’ll be glad to start reciving adequate pays again but the 60+ hour weeks are history, I won’t volunteer for more than 50 and that is going to effect my bottom line.  I am facing some major decisions.  It’s difficult to wait on God’s timing but I was starting to see the signs more than a year ago, but didn’t want to believe it.  I have been happy here until the last year.  I love the picture window over the pasture, until this conflict the relationship with my room mate was better than I expected.

Several things are certain.

Romans 8:28 28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Either God is working on changing something in me or He is working through me to change others.  Often both I think. 

Phillipians 4:13  13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.

Mathew 6:33-34 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Psalm 46:10 Be Still and know that I am God.

Quotes are from Bible Gateway.  I have seen these scriptures come to fruition many times in my life.

I’m having chest discomfort, have had a headache for over 24 hours and want to shout when I see the pony owners parading back and forth with him – intentionally exposing our horses.- he hasn’t even been isolated for 48 hours.  He was brought out and paraded around within an hour of arrival.  And I’m just supposed to be ok with it.  Let’s all get along.  It will PROBABLY be fine.  My horses are healthy and injury free BECAUSE of our diligence.

On that note my friends I have again seen peace, I want it to stay this time.  Today I am going to go out and take down my chimes, finish cutting down the hosta that remain so maybe some will grow again soon and I will fertilize them.  I will treat our horses with preventative oils in the hopes that they can stave off any exposure.  I will resist the urge to let my horses run while they are down there with the pony – would serve them right to have utter chaos after they were so nasty to me but two wrongs won’t bring peace.  It isn’t in my nature to intentionally cause problems for others in spite of how nasty and spiteful and childish they are with me.  It never has been and I am thankful for that.

My day is suddenly unfolding.  The sun is out.  The ponies are healthy and I will see my son today.  The people who have caused this recent stress are leaving and I have the place to myself for a while.  I need to get dressed and move my horses out to our small pasture, out of nose touch with the pony who is now located in the center of my horses normal enclosure.

I am ok.  I am always ok.  I am completely bereft and heartbroken, but it will all come around.  There are many things to be thankful for in spite of the darkness.  I got beautiful new glasses yesterday.  I saw my son today.  Love you all.

Update 8:30pm

The day got better, I lost and found one bottle of oils that I had dropped in the pasture.  Helped treat a horse who was lame and helped the owner by calling the phone 35 times in the tall weeds.  Now I have to go in and feel for ticks…

Medical Update 7-2

Yesterday was very frustrating for me.  I was ordered to complete a 30 day heart test monitor and that was terminated on June 1, the equipment was returned and I’ve been waiting for the test results.

I have a procedure Monday that requires me to drink 4 Liters of PEG-3350 (colon cleanse).  The 2nd listed side effect (contraindication) of this medication is Cardiac Arrhythmia.  Most of my medical people have been pointing at Atrial Fibrillation as a reason for the stroke and today is a holiday for most so answers were needed yesterday – Is this safe for me to drink or do I need to reschedule this procedure?

The problem is no one had received the test results and 2 different medical reps assured me that “these things just take a while and they have to read for each day of the test”, this was a direct quote from one of them.  It has been a MONTH!  Surely a cardiologist doesn’t wait 30 days to do an initial read of a 30 day test?

FRIENDS:  YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR HEALTH.  The medical community is two busy (literally) stopping the hemorrhaging in society to follow up with your minor issue.  S/He who bleeds buckets gets the attention and once the symptoms have been addressed you are replaced by someone in worse condition.  God help us and He has by sending amazing plants to address human suffering.  I digress.

First Call:  My primary care physicians office.  “We haven’t received the tests yet”.

Second Call:  Stroke Clinic “We haven’t received the tests yet”

Third Call:  “The test was ended on June 1 and the results were sent back on June 2″

To which provider?

“To the ordering physician”, which was the general practitioner at the hospital.

Fourth Call:  Ordering physicians office.  Tests were read on June 2 and faxed to your primary care physicians office.”  Can you give me any idea of the outcome/results? “The monitor was activated on 10 abnormal occassions but none of them correlate to any issues of concern” (later this was described as escalations found in a normal heartbeat).  Good news, right?  Yippeee.

Fifth Call:  Primary Care physician, the cardiac physicians readings were faxed to you on June 2 “Let me call you back:

Sixth Call:  Stroke Clinic “the cardiac physicians readings were completed on June 2, Dr. advised in my last appointment that she would follow up with the heart test and contact me with the results (argumentative nurse) “There is nothing in your chart indicating we would follow up”… ongoing theme of the conversation, of which I am proud I expressed myself calmly, listened to her excuses and finally was able to end the call with 2 “I need” statements.  Get the test results.  Tell me if there is any concern with me consuming this medication.  “Let me call you back”

Both offices called back after obtaining a copy of the report.  Neither apologized for not following through to request the test results after a certain period of time.  However, my primary care physicians nurse did empathize on her 3rd call back about the frustration I was feeling and was able to put a copy of the report in front of my physician and are in agreement that the solution is safe for me to consume.

Day Two

Written a couple of days ago and Word flaked so the post wasn’t sent.

I doubt if I will continue with a counting thread. I napped for about an hour yesterday watching a Parelli Video, OnLine Level 2. I’ve had these for a couple of years and don’t remember watching them through. It’s been the opportunity of time off and restricted activity that has prompted me to sit and listen. It’s paying off in spades with Autumn. She’s been confined to a stall at night, forcing me to handle her two or three times a day while walking her in and out morning and evening. She has become very quiet (i.e. No Drama) to work with and rarely panics and bolts. The geldings could care less but it’s hard for Callie to have her in and out. In the morning she is so needy when Autumn joins the herd. I considered leaving her out with them last night but she started a catch game with me so I had to follow through.

We have a few rules. I was able to approach her with a rope 3 times yesterday in the large pasture with no drama. I have decided to give her the weekends off to be with her friends since weekends are usually busy for me and I usually reach my walking steps in spades. I’m at 6500 steps per day this week. That has been challenging for me and there were 2 days I didn’t meet the goal so I’m considering continuing 6500 for next week and jumping to 7000 the following week. (It’s now next week and I did continue the 6500 steps which I havn’t met any days this week, I have plateaued).
The catch me game is this; If she runs when I come to catch her, then I ask her to run until she asks me if she can stop running/trotting/playing a fool..
If she starts a catch me game then she is separated from the herd for that time period. She’s very independent so that’s not an issue but she prefers to be with the herd.  She’s also very smart.  I first separated her on June 2nd.  Today is July 3rd.

It’s hard to write since my brain is moving the thoughts around out of logical positions.  This is not the post I was mindful of when I woke up.  I was rudely woken around 0600 by a bathroom dream.  I was sitting on what felt like an oil pan, mounted to a large round bail of hay using the toilet in a smallish room.  My companion (family) invited some of my friends in who were curious why I was sitting and not getting up to greet them.  There was a canoe involved at some point and then several of us were racing (floating) down a river but I was still on the oil pan and then I woke up and realized I had peed the bed.  Well, Good Morning!!  That pretty much ended my night and now I have to wash bedding.

And on that note my brain has stopped functioning as a writer and the long post that I was creating early this morning has been filed away, at least for now.

Be well my friends, All My Love.

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