courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that it’s me.”
Setting my inner gypsy free.
05 Apr 2010 Comments Off
30 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
I praise you in this storm.
Everything is happening perfectly. By that I mean, in His time (not my own).
I have had a headache for 2 days, stress. This too shall pass.
Prayers that we find a resolution to release ownership of Wiley to rescue; preferable to animal control. Due to his age he is likely to be immediately euthanized. He deserves better.
Father. Your will be done.
29 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
I will be on a 14 day Media Fast starting tomorrow.
Check back after November 11.
29 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
You may not like it.
But that doesn’t change that it is the truth.
28 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
Some dreams you wake from and don’t remember. Others you remember and think WFT? This one is clear, at least the theme is clear to me and it’s no wonder, clearly relates to what I’m feeling right now.
There was a volunteer corps, putting on a show – small scale, just for each other. We had a string of power cords put together for each segment. We had done a run through that went pretty smoothly and we were ready for the live show – the real deal. And Action! That’s when every person wanted to step in and put their own spin on it. Someone adding a segment but couldn’t find the right connection cords, unplugging something that was already finished, interrupting the flow to add their own little impression or personal touch. When we got to the menu board, in the middle of filming someone steps in with a pen and starts changing the prices – we’re having a special, now only ½ of what it was before. Isn’t this exciting, I want to be a part of the show. Absolute mayhem. I stood back amused, as I am now and allowed it. Like I am now.
I was ready for the production in June, when he went home AMA the first time.
I was ready for production in July when I couldn’t stand the thought of being manipulated into moving something (again) hither and yon. Make a fucking decision to live well.
I was ready the day he called that his truck had broken down and he expected me to drop everything I was doing and come. To do what? Push the fucker home? You need a tow truck (which he eventually came to the conclusion on and got one).
I was ready when I got the last call “This is Linda. Your dad…” Is he in the hospital again or did someone find him dead?
I was ready when I left his hospital room, touched his foot and knew this was the last dance (for me at least).
I was ready when I took the morning off and went to the court house to file for his committal.
I have learned however that sometimes I may be ready, but the dance has just begun and you have to allow all the players their part.
Dancers. Dance. (waltz music).
What I have wanted all my life was Daddy. The Daddy I had from birth to about 4, when his precious baby was born. There certainly was room for 2 of us and I have almost always adored my little sister. You play the hand that is dealt. I may not understand why I have experienced the lessons that I have, but I am sure as certain grateful for the knowledge it resulted in by enduring the fire.
It has giving me a quick wit, easy identification system and fast evaluation, solution identification system. I ascertain a situation, weight all the parts and see the best course of action – in relation to every person involved – before most people have recognized the situation. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I have been frustrated by this for years, yet it’s also amusing to me to suggest a solution that is best for everyone, offer the best course of action – and then I am more or less told “we’re going to do this instead”, to which I am obligated to answer OK, let’s try that. When you’re all finished dicking around most often someone makes the suggestion I made months ago as if it were their own idea and blow me off like I was some kind of raving lunatic.
Meanwhile, I’m going to be over here living my life as best I can and taking care of and loving on my child – as a parent is supposed to do.
I allow it. I have even learned that interrupting the flow often delays the process to reach the conclusion I’ve already suggested or put into action. Let’s Dance.
In this instance, as in many, I have become the villain. People have to have something to fight against. I learned long ago it’s a better use of energy to fight FOR something, than to fight against it. He has made a complete mess of things and needs a hand up – which I’ve extended. He’s now the hot potato that nobody wants to crack open and pour butter on. Yet, because he is incapable of accepting the responsibility for what he’s done he has pointed the finger and made me the dirty rotten scoundrel child of his who (shocker) asked the community at large to hold him accountable for his choices. <sigh> “It’s all her fault”. <laughter> Exactly what I was expecting and in almost the same order.
I leave for the beach Friday night. I will be gone for 10 days. My responsibility at this moment is to find a place for Wiley to be while I am gone and to make sure my son and Lily have housing and a little money. I will also be available for the court decision and to pull the trigger if allowed, to get him into therapy/retirement/whatever after the evaluations are complete and a recommendation is made. That is the role I have assumed.
Da da da da da. Dum dum. Dum dum. Dum dum. Shall we waltz?
I hold no ill will for my father. Despite our history. His situation weighs heavily on my heart. I let go of the Daddy dreams a long time ago. I will move mountains to take care of my son.
God is my Father. Jesus is my Savior. He has always provided for my needs. Usually at the last possible second of when I thought I was on the chopping block. And so I wait upon the Lord. Everything is happening in His perfect timing. Amen.
26 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
For some reason Robin Williams has been prevalent in the movies I’m drawn to this week. Today “The Angriest Man in Brooklyn”. About a man who finds out he has a brain aneurism and is told he has 90 minutes to live. It’s not about his death, but about how he lives the last 90 minutes. How he tries to recover the missing time with him family and how he’s driven them all away. You cannot live someone else’s life for them. You have to live your own. Even if you see someone who is in desperate need of help and reaching out for someone to stop them – you cannot live their life. In the alcoholic relationships I am the rescuer. It’s curious what roles you take on. I have been the enabler with my son, so I recognize an enabler when I find one. It’s a shame they don’t recognize that role themselves.
The other movies today were Blended – funny and The Pretty One, about a twin who assumes her twin sisters identity after the sister dies in an auto accident. Well done movie.
I need something lighter. Rio should work the magic.
I am so blessed to have a son who came home for me at this very difficult time. Sometimes in a dysfunctional relationship the children see what they do not want to grow in their own families. I have done that with my own son. I will never have that with my father. But my son knows my deep and dedicated love for him. Just him being a part of my life. It is a sacrificial love for him. I am so blessed.
23 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
When Eric was coming home I said “your staying here tomorrow night too”, he heard “find somewhere else to go tonight and I’ll see you tomorrow”
I clarified when we saw each other again. When you have been away for awhile you come to my house immediately, no matter what time of day it is. I want you home in my arms.
I don’t know if I would be able to keep it together without him home right now. There is as much love between Eric and I as there is a cavern between Jack and I or Eric and his dad. The cavern between Jack and I is nothing new. I’ve had a lifetime of consistency there.
The cavern between Eric and his father Darren is so unnecessary. Darren does things to Eric out of spite for me. For example he took his middle son on a 6 week fishing trip to Canada and they just got back. Eric was not included. Then they are making unnecessary comments to him cutting him down before even finding out why he’s home. Bastard. Ironic, especially since he’s the one who never took care of all of his family, is abusive and has been known to abuse drugs, can’t hold a job or finish school. Hey, KETTLE!!
That is more heartbreaking to me than the situation I’m in. I initiated this and didn’t expect any more from Jack than complete rejection and finding ways to hurt me – that’s his MO, so no surprises there. Doesn’t soften the blow, but it’s somewhat easier to understand.
Its o500ish. I have to work in 2 hours. I’m going to try to sleep a little more.
Tell your children you love them right now.
When they come home – first thing, tell them how glad you are to see them, how thankful you are they are home and how much you love them.
All My Love
18 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
I filed to have my father committed yesterday. The court approved it. The hearing is Wednesday the 22nd at 8am at the hospital. He checked himself in because he was vomiting blood again (still vomiting blood, but worse). Black blood. Internal bleeding. He didn’t call me, he told my aunt, because “she’s mad at me”. Heartbroken, yes. Mad, no. She did convince him to sign Durable Power of Attorney for healthcare for him. She tried to have him list me, he refused. I saw him Thursday afternoon briefly. He was reserved. He is retaining fluid and is bruised from falling into the front door. He didn’t fracture anything but he looks pretty rough.
I hadn’t been over to the house since late July/early August when we cleaned out the shed. The sorted piles are still sitting in the back yard and he has added to them. I went in the house to get Wiley and if anything it’s better, yet worse than before. There is less space to walk due to the shredded newspapers all over the floor but it looks like he has moved quite a bit out of the right side of the living room, you can see to the windows now, where you couldn’t before.
Wiley was elated to see me and nearly jumped right over the gate whining in excitement. He’s here. The ear infection has returned, he’s lost weight from the cheap food he’s been given when (if) he gets fed. The canned food that I took back when I brought Wiley there the first time was still in the bag – unfed to him. He had no water. I couldn’t find the collar or leash that I bought him on the last round but I did find a modified “harness” that appears to include a collar that is similar (though I don’t think it’s as thick or wide) as the one I got him. He doesn’t really need either, except to keep him out of traffic when we go to the car. I put it on Wiley and it doesn’t fit right, cuts into his legs. His toenails are really long again. Linda gave me some money for food and vet care.
She also gave me some gas money for Eric to come home. I woke up just before 6 am and texted him to see how far they were and he sent back that they are sleeping right down the road from me at a friend’s. WTH? He said it was late when they got in and he wanted to surprise me in the morning and just show up. WTH? The last thing I did before bed was text him to see where they were and he goes to a friends? Damn. I want my son HOME, I don’t give a rats ass what time you get in! Wake me the hell up! I haven’t seen you for 6 months and you go to a friends house? Damn kid! I want you home so I can watch you sleep and rub your head and be in the same space as you are.
The men in my life frustrate me to no end.
As for the old dog. He cannot give what he does not possess. His idea of love and family and caring for one another is so deeply buried under his self-preserving mentality that I am not sure he is capable of selfless love. No one has shown that to him to teach him. Till now. When I saw the house, I knew he was trying to clean it up – for me. Not because it’s unsafe or unhealthy or horrible. Because that’s what he sees as the way to a relationship and he doesn’t know how to get there and being locked up last time hit home for him how serious this is and he doesn’t want to lose his freedom (at any cost?, yet to be seen). He did not, this time, indicate to anyone at the hospital that he was suicidal or thinking about hurting anyone else. I had decided months ago, and discussed with his sister, that the next hospitalization I would take the reins for his care – in his best interest.
From the reaction of the woman who was managing the papers, the judge apparently didn’t hesitate to shut the door to his freedom. The Sheriff will serve him papers at the hospital. He’s going to be pissed off. He is where he needs to be getting mental health care, physical health needs met, has the nurses and social workers catering to his whims and many people to talk to. The social aspect above all, I think is what leads to his downturns. I cannot provide all the social interaction he craves and he is either incapable or in denial about needing people. He has ostracized everyone who ever cared for him. 3 wives, 3 children, friends, social groups. He has grand ideas for what he wants to do and see and make and he is running out of time. He was 78 in September. He was making an effort to care for himself – it’s just too much for one person to handle and being emotionally unstable he’s a time bomb. I could not emotionally manage to go there, even though I saw him trying. For that I feel guilty. Then I remember, his emotional issues happened long before I came on the scene and are not my fault. All I can do is show him unconditional love in the way I think is in his best interest, even if he’s mad about it, in the hopes that he find joy in his remaining lifetime. I can explain it to you, I cannot understand it for you.” He has to do the hard work. I will feel safer visiting him under the watchful eyes of the healthcare community. I can rest at other times knowing he is receiving regular meals, regulated medication, social interaction, mental health counseling and I hope start thriving.
Eric (and Lily) came home last night. They did it for me because I asked them to and because they were at a critical junction about to have his car impounded. I need his help with the cleanup. I am asking a lot of my son. I cannot do it myself, I have neither the energy or fortitude to face this hill. I am concerned about health hazards and traps that may have been set by Jack for anyone who intrudes on his hoard. There is an upstairs “apartment” and we are changing all the locks later today and adding one to the upstairs door just in case someone goes AWOL from the hospital and care center and manages to get home. To give them a barrier and time for police to arrive. I hope the cleanup won’t take more than a month (or two).
I allowed him to stay home after he went AWOL following his last hospital visit when he conned his sister into stopping at the house “for a minute” that turned into 5 months. I was really hoping he would make the changes needed to live a healthy, content and productive life for the time he had left. He tried. I believe that. He just doesn’t have the capacity to understand without the support of health care workers, regular nutrition, medication and motivation. He may have hit his head again or had another brain issue.
I prayed for him. My church has been praying for him, and for all of us since May.
God, your will be done.