courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that it’s me.”
Setting my inner gypsy free.
05 Apr 2010 Comments Off
07 Dec 2013 Comments Off
I’m getting really close to having this project completed. Here is an updated photo. Only 3 small charts remaining, the left ear and legs. Spending the weekend at home (again).
17 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
Following our first meeting on August 17, 2013, 10:30am at Hy-Vee
We met again after 35 years of not speaking. Your motivations are clearly still self-centered and selfish. You didn’t recognize me because now I understand my full beauty and it shines through. You are seeking your real child, your true child in my sister Tammi. You sounded so disappointed that I was not her. My only good memories of you are up to the point where I was 7. I remember being your “grease monkey”, under the hood, tom boy, pony rider, adventurer, hunter, dog trainer, lover of the outdoors. A completely and fully confident, joy filled child. I cherish those memories when I was still innocent and naïve. That is what I seek now to preserve for other children who have been protected from the cruelty of the world and their families.
Since you must talk on – clearly all you have to say is far more important than what anyone else around you may add – you failed to receive my perception of childhood.
We talked about Tammi. You accused me of always picking on her. Mom would tell me often how excited I was to have a little sister while she was pregnant and when Tammi was young. I remember doing all I can as long as I could to protect her and stand up for her, at least until she became a teenager. You said I was a good sister until she was about 6 months old and then I started picking on her. Tammi was always a favored child. You were the adult in the equation. I hope you will entertain that your bias in treating her as a favored child contributed to how I treated her in your eyes? What you describe is jealousy. I will answer that question from my perspective based on the information you provided. You said that mom was pregnant with me by someone else. That is believable as she always had a twinkle in her eye when speaking about one of her class mates. She provided me a sister, dark haired like you, vindictive like you, I see why you can fully believe she is your child.
That explains the taunting I endured by her about being the outsiders child. What you failed to understand on blessing me with this knowledge – and it was a blessing even though you intended it to hurt me with the way you presented it – harshly and with malice “Didn’t your mother ever tell you?” [pause] “I’m not your real father. I’m your legal father.” With that knowledge, you set me free. I have no more obligations to you. No moral obligation to care for you as you age and become decrepit, to provide end of life comfort to you, to assure you do not suffer. You have released me from the biblical obligation “to honor my father”, to care about you. It is no longer my responsibility to assure that your wishes are carried out in your will. No obligation. No inheritance. No guilt. Your words which were intended to shock and harm have set me free of any guilt. I am completely free of you with that knowledge.
You then later tried to take credit for my musical talents, so which is it? Am I your child or am I not?
I believe in my heart that you have created a story in your mind that I am not your biological child in order to justify the abuse and intended sexual exploitation that you had planned for me and that (Thank God) mom had the fortitude to save me from. I don’t think Tammi was ever in danger, you see her as your child and incest is not acceptable. You proved to me that you have some integrity. You showed me that you are capable of loving and caring for your family. It is still a mystery why your actions never followed your words. I have always wondered why, by extension that did not include me. I think your abuse of me was a way for you to further abuse Mom for her trapping you in a marriage neither of you wanted. That’s how you see it. She trapped you by getting pregnant while you were dating. You are incapable of accepting responsibility for your errors, even acknowledging what you’ve done to destroy my self-esteem and her independence. We (Mom and I) are a lot alike-loving, giving, caring. I forgive you. I have excelled in spite of you. I am an amazing and beautiful creation of God. Protected by Him. Loved completely in all my humanity and humility and pride and sin. I am a child of God. I am the King’s daughter. He is the Father to whom I run now that I understand the blessing and the knowledge gained from endurance.
You are the reason I viewed my value as a person in my body until my 40′s. You have no way of comprehending what you created in me. You said it yourself “your mother weighed over 200 lbs. There is only one way any man would be attracted to that. She was (a slut) a loose woman who put out for any man she met.” YOU are the abuser. She told me after your divorce about what you would do to her when we were locked outside to play. You told me the story of making her run home from Grandma and Grandpas – she told that you made her run home from town. It doesn’t matter how far – that was abusive. You are a hateful, evil, possessed individual. I remember you worshiping at night over the steel pile. I remember my dream of a cloud enveloping me that I had repeatedly as a child. That dream came to me about 10 years ago while I was in church and then I knew that was how God protected me from more abuse than I had already endured by shielding my eyes and my ears from hearing you with her at night. You know what you did. I don’t want to know any more than I already do.
Let me scream on the rooftops to you: You were given the privilege of being my father on earth. A father’s job is to love and protect his children and any children who are under his guard whether they are his or are not his. You are not fully a man if you are not protecting any and every child under your care. I was given to your care and you exploited it. You said you believe in reincarnation. I am praying for forgiveness for you. To be reincarnated is to return to earth and give penance for the sins you committed in this life. Where does that leave you?
15 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
Juice (my fluffy orange cat) spent the night outside last night. When I let my sons dog out this morning to poop she came back and was watching something by the house, but she wasn’t alerting to an intruder. She put her head low and slowly approached the object of her interest. I figured she saw the ground hog and wondered why he would be out in the cold (it’s in the teens right now). She just watched the area by the house and about that time he walked around the corner twice the size as normal puffed up with hair and stopped in front of the house. He let me pet him and took the opportunity to go in when I held the door open. Of course, miss Lola Lou was quite pleased with herself for finding one of her feline companions displaced where he should not be. She’s been supervising him since she came in. He’s none the worse for wear, thank God. I would be quite heartbroken if he had suffered any ill effects (coyotes for example). He had some breakfast and is now settled on the back of the sofa. Missy Lou is doing her rounds and checking on his welfare. He had a dusting of dirt on his hair, I believe he may have crawled under the porch for shelter (smart cat) where the ground hog goes under. He chose to go outside. He chose a place to sleep. And he chose, gratefully to come back in the house peacefully this morning.
One thing I have learned (fully and completely comprehended) is we ALWAYS have a choice. We may not be able to choose our circumstances but we can always choose our attitudes and reactions to it. I work in a call center helping people with their money. Most people are pretty easy to get along with, I have something they need and for the most part they are polite and friendly. We also interact with people who are facing hardship and in many cases the consequences of poor decision making. They call because they are desperate. They believe they are desperate because life is not fair, the landlord is going to put me out, my [spouse, kid, parent, etc.] didn’t act right… blah blah blah. “I’m pathetic”, “somebody owes me a [fill in the blank]“. The truth is, they are in that predicament because they chose poorly. They overspent, partied on or failed to thrive by declining an education, expected the Cinderella story or just flat out refused to acknowledge their role in how they got there. Life is a series of lessons. If you aren’t open to what a situation is trying to teach you, it’s very likely that you will face it again, and again, and again until you learn (once more round the desert, Moses).
The point of my wanderings is that there are a number of rules or conclusions I’ve reached in nearly 50 years of living arising from my many trips around the desert.
That leads me into my next post “A Letter to My Legal Father”. There are a number of things I want him to know. I doubt that it will change his perspective. I am not judging him or his choices. I forgave him a long time ago. Tudaloo for now.
09 Oct 2013 Comments Off
My son is home with me. He called last night at 1 am and was so sad he wanted to be with people who loved him. I picked him and his dog up and we talked until almost 2 am. At 5:30 am I woke up and my room-mate was in the kitchen, I thought we had woken her up. She said no, that her best friend had suddenly died of an aneurysm. The had been at an event with her son and as they were leaving she collapsed, she was taken to the hospital, then transported to the University of Iowa. She died within a short time.
We are invincible until the day of our calling. Live.
My son is suffering from heartache. He loved deeply with all that he had. They are young. Her family does not approve of him, they never have and they have taken every opportunity to belittle and demean him for over 5 years. Within days of their breakup she was dating a more appropriate man, cutting my sons heart out in the process.
When I was in my 20′s I was engaged and we parted similarly. I was young and stupid. I wish now I had been more kind to him.
A few years after our breakup he committed suicide in the park by asphyxiation. I could not attend his funeral. I still love him and would give almost anything to return to what we had despite the drawbacks. Although I feel guilty he had appeared to have moved on and had married someone and was helping her to raise a son from a previous relationship.
Life is a tragedy. We are born with innocence and we spend our entire lives peeling away, sometimes violently ripping away the layers of innocence to find maturity. Maturity is the other side of being naive. That’s why children are so precious – we must preserve their innocence as long as possible and we are tearing our children up, exposing them beyond their years. Innocence can never be regained.
Let It Rain
Let It Rain
Open the flood gates of Heaven
(Artist: Michael W Smith)
05 Oct 2013 Comments Off
I had a great time in Dallas last weekend at the clinic. I had to buy a new duffle to get everything home. The flight was uneventful, which is exactly how I like to fly. I’ll write more on this tomorrow, I’m still tired. Came home Monday night and right into work on Tuesday so havn’t rested much this week.
in 2 weeks I’ll be going to Tunica, MS for another show then the season is ended. Back home to play with my own ponies who are doing great on this system.
Love you all.
05 Oct 2013 Comments Off
…so I waited a couple weeks to go back to the Verizon store to convert my phone to a pay as you go and I can use my current phone but they want a $35 activation fee (but I already have service with them…WTF??) plus one month (reasonable) in advance.
I left the store but I didn’t yell at anyone this time.
So my phone cost $50 month to have service before I added my son to the plan for the Advertised $10 additional family member BUT there is a monthly charge of $60 for family share plan PLUS service of $50 per phone line – which is $140 a month, not the advertised $60…
I expect to pay for usage and I really resent getting taken advantage of “because everybody else is doing it too”.
Other than that life is grand! I’m watching omg Too Cute!
12 Sep 2013 Comments Off
Life is kinda kicking my behind right now, and honestly everyone around me. It seems to come in cycles. so, what’s been up?
Those are the things that are weighing on me. Here are the things I am thankful for.
Well, my friends its 0848 and I have about 30 minutes to be to work and ready to roll. I’ll try to write again sooner. We’re starting to get back into the green. I may have a little time on holiday but my writing time will be spent on the book – which having my father around has opened up for me. I am still waiting for him to acknowledge his responsibility for what happened but I’m not holding my finger on my nose. I forgave him a long time ago. It’s good to have some answers. And his his burden to bear, not mine.
Be well my cherished friends.
Antonio, you are on my mind today as always. Sending you blessings and protection wherever you are.
All My Love